I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
