I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
