That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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