dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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