There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
