I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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