I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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