I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
