Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
3pm strippers are depressing
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
