I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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