Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
