someone threw a dead crab at me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she smelled like a LAN party
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
