I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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