i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
