The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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