I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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