U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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