Old men and throwing up are my life now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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