I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
