i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
P.S. I can't hear my feet
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
