I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
