Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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