Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
