"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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