Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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