Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
