His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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