just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
