im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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