he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
