did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
