I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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