Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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