I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Randomize
