bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
