He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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