i don't plan on having that self control this summer
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
