just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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