like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
