My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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