I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
