he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
