Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
