Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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