i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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