my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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