remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
