life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
