The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
