What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Be still, my beating vagina.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
