Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You pole danced in your parka.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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