remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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